Friday, May 4, 2012

When I Eat My Words, I Like to Add Pepper.

Hello Friend!

I will admit that often when I open my mouth, I’m even astonished at my own words. Gross exaggerations of mundane things will just spill out, and I’ll find myself having to add a disclaimer to my own statements. Oh, did I say that I live in a nice house? I actually meant that it doesn’t have rodents and about half the windows actually open.  Oh, did I just say that I exercised every day last week? What I meant is that I did the dishes every day.  I don’t mean to tell these meaningless white lies. I think there is a part of me that actually believes the junk that comes out of my mouth. The other smarter side is usually slower to respond, and usually has to correct the quick clumsy side’s reckless statements.

So, last weekend in Vegas when someone asked me if I needed some sunscreen, dumb clumsy brain responded quickly with, “Oh no thanks, I never burn.”  Well, I *suppose* that’s true. I haven’t had a sunburn in years. However, dumb clumsy brain forgot to take into consideration that I used to go tanning regularly and used to spend considerable amount of time in the sun. The smarter side didn’t didn’t feel it necessary to chime in that I haven’t been tanning since I got married, and I work in an office with no windows every day. I guess you could call it pride, although there is no shame in being smart and just taking five seconds to put on the sunscreen, but I decided that I was going to stick with that statement, and even repeated it several times to give it clout.

Now, the first day in the sun, we were only out for an hour or so. No sunburn. That was false security. It just added credence that I didn’t need sunscreen. So the next day when we had all decided to do a marathon of pool time, I decided to forgo sunscreen.  About an hour into the sunbathing, I decided I felt a bit warm. I got into the pool, because it’s really helpful to magnify the sun’s rays with water.  I continued this pattern for a several hours. After being in the sun for 4 hours or so, I decided to put some sunscreen on. Because sunscreen is generally most effective after several hours in the sun. Yeah. Right.

Just the start of my red skin...

At this point, I was quite tired. There’s nothing like assaulting your body’s largest organ to make you want a nap. So, I take myself to my room, examine what in my sad little mind thinks is a tan, and lay down.

The minute I opened my eyes, I knew something was terribly wrong. Every inch of my body felt like it was on fire. I jump up and run to the bathroom. I look at what my daughter would describe as “Elmo” in the mirror. My skin is fire engine red, and my head is pounding to match it. I spent the rest of the day avoiding touching my skin with anything….clothing, furniture, other body parts. I immediately went to the overpriced hotel gift shop and bought a ten dollar bottle of aloe vera. That bottle of aloe vera would be within my reach for several days, go with me through TSA security and would be completely sucked dry. The first night with my new sunburn, I got up no less than 5 times to reapply my heavy coat of aloe vera. I could only sleep on my back (which I loathe) and the sheets would stick to my aloe vera second skin. Another interesting revelation about having a halter top swim top is that it also makes a unique tan line that shows with pretty much every shirt and makes wearing a bra completely impossible. I had to wear strapless ones every day. I had to take baths in borderline frigid water and play dodge ball with the shower head while washing my hair.

Just as my sun burn is getting better and I’m back to sleeping on my side, I get to experience a completely new sensation for me….sunburn blisters. So, now my chest looks like some sort of terrible lizard skin complete with a new type of flesh eating virus.

So, I basically have a giant open sore on my chest (I know, it’s graphic, but you need a visual to experience the next part with me.). I’m thinking my skin looks really dry after this blister peeling business. As I stated, it’s very “lizard” like. So, when you have dry skin, you put something on it, right? My brain says, no wait, don’t use lotion. You read once that lotion is bad for sunburns. So, what is a girl to use? Why not that aloe vera that has a numbing agent built in? Perfect!

Except it’s not perfect. It’s mind numbing scream worthy painful. I have an entire coat on before the stinging sets it. I rush to find something to get this hells fire off me. Except when I “rush” a breeze falls on the open sore, and it’s starts to sting even worse. And my skin is so sensitive at this point, I can’t touch it to wipe off the devils serum I have rubbed all over me! I start to blot my skin with a towel. It feels like I have taken an industrial sander to my sunburn. Finally, I decide to just sit in my chair, grip the sides and avoid moving until it dries. Of course this entire situation happens in my office at work. I can only imagine what it sounded like on the other side of the door. 

So, the moral of the story? Well, other than the fact sunscreen & pale skin is much MUCH “cooler” than lizard flesh eating bacteria skin? My big mouth and I are having a serious talk about what it decides to spew out. It always seems like the rest of me takes the brunt of the effects of an overzealous story telling mouth, and my lizard skin isn’t happy about it.


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